Similarly, the Ohr HaGanuz is a spiritual light that reveals G-d’s purpose for all existence. What does physical light do? It reveals that which is hidden. This light is not physical light but rather a spiritual light. There’s something the Kabbalists call the Ohr HaGanuz, the ‘light’ that G-d hid away during the first days of creation. We don’t know what G-d’s plan is for us and that not knowing makes our suffering greater. All we know is that we’re suffering and we don’t know why. This darkness can manifest itself in physical, emotional, or spiritual suffering. The days in which we live before the coming of Moshiach is a time of intense spiritual darkness. So too, I feel that Jacob was truly happy over seeing his Chanukah lights. Rabbi Bechayei ben Asher (1255–1340) teaches that the soul of a departed person actually has joy from the physical flame. The book of Proverbs says: ‘The soul of man is the candle of G-d.’ (Mishlei 20:27) Similar to the soul, the flame is etherial, and it’s natural for the soul to be happy because it can relate to something similar. We light a candle on a person’s yahrzeit. There is something spiritually special about a candle. I felt Jacob was really here with us and he was so happy looking at the lit candles in his Chanukah menorah. I always get a peaceful feeling looking at a candle flame, but this time I felt something special. So I lit Jacob’s menorah and, surprisingly, I felt happy. Would lighting his menorah make me more happy or more sad? G-d and Jacob knew before I did that I was now ready to move to the next stage in honoring the memory of my son as well as finding some comfort for myself. I was somewhat hesitant to light Jacob’s Chanukah menorah because I wasn’t sure how I would feel. I’m going to guess that either G-d put that thought in there or Jacob did. Of course, this thought didn’t really ‘pop’ in. He would continue to light Chanukah candles from this menorah even as an adult.Ī thought popped into my head that this Chanukah we should light Jacob’s menorah. This was his ‘football’ menorah, the one I had given to him as a kid. I don’t know why, but this year is different.Ī short time ago, I noticed his Chanukah menorah sitting with the other knick knacks in the cabinet with the glass door. In contrast to Jacob’s kiddush cup, his Chanukah menorah was one of those things I couldn’t look at for a long time. Jacob’s Chanukah Menorah Jacob’s football Chanukah menorah Not really, but it doesn’t mean he’s not there. People have asked me if I feel Jacob’s presence at the table. I want to let him know he’s always welcome at our table and he’s not forgotten. Somehow, I feel that it’s easier for Jacob to be with us for kiddush. Since Jacob’s passing, my husband and I always make sure that his kiddush cup is on the table for both Shabbat meals. Often, he would make havdalah for me with this same kiddush cup. For some unknown reason, I was able to look at and touch the silver cup he used for kiddush. I just couldn’t look at them or touch them. His wallet, phone, backpack, anything he used was off limits to me. When Jacob first passed away and for some significant time after, I couldn’t bear to look at any of his personal stuff. Although sadness over my son’s passing hasn’t gone away, and never will, it certainly has changed and now goes in a different direction. It’s funny how feelings change with the passing of time.
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